The Sinful Dwarf (1973)

I'm having trouble finding bad movies recently. The old, minimal-budget exploitation genre can often be a good place to look, but suddenly even that is failing me! I thought when I came across a 1973 production entitled The Sinful Dwarf with a dodgy, hand-painted cover, that I was in for something to well and truly berate, but alas, my beration stores remain somewhat unrelieved. For all that I was sure it was going to be, it was really nothing at all. But it went, sometimes, in unexpected directions and presented times where I had to admire the work. Although, thankfully, plenty of ridiculous touches to sarcastically remark on too.

The movie opens in the street (even by the end, I'm not sure where it's set; most of the actors have English accents, but I'm pretty damn sure British coppers didn't carry guns back then...) with a, uh-- female, playing hopscotch. You'd sort of guess that a female in pigtails playing hopscotch in the street is a child, but on closer inspection, this female doesn't even look adolescent. She looks like a fully grown woman in her early 20s...playing hopscotch. Weird. A hobbling little dwarf with a cane and a clockwork dog approach her, and she is juvenile enough to not only be impressed by the toy, but to go back to the dwarf's house for more. Very weird.

The dwarf is Olaf (Torben Bille), and he runs a boarding house with his crazy drunk mother Lila Lash (Clara Keller). It's a big house with long wooden stairs and corridors, and at the end of the corridor is an attic room with a secret door. Behind the secret door are three mattresses, upon which are three junked-up sex slaves. The latest addition is the Hopscotch Girl. But Olaf and Clara have their sights set on a new girl, the female half of a young couple who come to board at the house. The fella, Peter (Tony Eades) is a writer (not the Stephen King kind, the perpetually-unemployed kind), and I guess the wife Mary (Anne Sparrow) is just a professional hottie.

Just as soon as Peter and Mary have been shown to their room by Olaf (who jumps on their bed in such a fashion that I'd demand a change of sheets), they are busy at it, and the dwarf has pulled the old painting-actually-a-spyhole trick, taking a very enthusiastic front row seat to their peepshow. Voyeuristic little devil! Admire, he may, though. One thing I never expected from this movie was one of the nicest and most moving sex scenes I've seen in a long time. Not only does Miss Sparrow have an absolutely insane body, her fella really appreciates it. They are totally into each other, and he spends his entire coital duration telling her things like "Let me look at you, you're so beautiful". This guy gets it!

Anyhow, with audience and dwarf thoroughly satisfied, it's off to real life. Peter is out looking for work, Olaf is busy playing with his clockwork toys and playing piano accompaniments for his mother's maniacal cabaret numbers, and Mary has nothing to do but snoop around, and so she is quick to notice the weird noises and men coming and going from the attic. Although we really know what is coming, it takes rather a long time to materialize. When it seems that taking Miss Blonde Hair Blue Eyes Big Boobs Mary as their newest recruit is dragging a bit, they have their heroin dealer Santa Claus hire Peter at his toy store, necessitating him to go away for a few days.

Whilst alone, Mary snoops further yet and finds the secret door in the attic, and decides to call the police. But not before she has changed out of her perfectly presentable sweater and jeans into something far more easily removed by force. With just enough opportunity to slip into a button-up mini dress, Mary is on her way, but doesn't get as far as the street. Olaf and his mighty cane (which has an uncanny talent for knocking people unconscious despite its slight frame) are on hand, and she is dragged into the sex slave emporium where her button-up mini dress is easily removed by force. Honestly girl, what was wrong with the sweater and jeans?!

Anyway, they chain her up and shoot her up, and soon she is just another, albeit the hottest, sex slave this side of the attic door. Meanwhile Lila types up a fake 'I'm Leaving You, Goodbye Forever' note from Mary, and leave it in her room for Peter to find upon his return. For a lover who showed he appreciates what he has, Peter is somewhat unperturbed by his wife's sudden disappearance. He goes to the toy shop and tells Santa Claus Mary has left him, to which the fatty responds "Oh, I am sorry. Well, nothing like work to take your mind off it!" and the unconcerned husband seems to agree.

Upstairs in the attic, the girls seem to only have one client (or several guys of equally weedy stature who look very alike), and it's not a wonder this dude's gotta pay for it. He screws like a dog with a limp. Not to mention he always wears the same beige turtleneck. All four of the girls get thrown around in unusual positions, shot at the sorts of angles that haven't existed since pubic hair was apparently boycotted back in the 90s. Then along comes Olaf, to give us a gross preview of what would later be Verne Troyer's weird sex tape. He takes a shine to the lovely Mary, and then he takes the handle of his cane to her. Dude, we didn't even hate you that bad - your mum was obviously the real weirdo - but now you've just stooped to her level. Bad dwarf.

Between all the piano accompaniments and wind-up toys and cane-fuckings, Olaf makes a forbidden visit to Santa Claus' toyshop, where Peter overhears their dope deals. Being the upstanding, starchy-collared, BBC-accented fellow that he is, he promptly informs the police and they arrest Claus, who rats on Lila and Olaf and their highly erotic love palace in the attic. Upon arrival at the house of debauchery, they quickly get to the attic door, giving Lila an amusingly hard shove in front of them. She makes the most hilariously futile protests, to the extent of, "NO! There's nothing in there! Don't open that door!" Way to play it cool, Lila. Naturally, they are undeterred, and finally uncover the four poor sex slaves, with Peter running in to scoop a naked Mary into his arms. All's well, but she seems incredibly minimally affected by her newfound habit with a capital H.

At this point, the copper hands a gun to Peter, and pursues the dwarf of all things sinful. He takes a very sloppy shot at Lila, who dies dramatically on the lap of junked-up Hopscotch Girl, who laughs hysterically at the wretched bitch. A few other coppers who are hanging around in the courtyard outside see Olaf opening the top floor window as if it's a door. Here comes the best shot of the whole movie. Close up of Olaf prepping to jump...Shot of the most obviously-a-rag-doll dummy in a checkered shirt being thrown out of the window...shot of Olaf lying bloodied on the ground. Oh my God, I had to skip it back to laugh again. That dummy is the funniest thing I've seen in some time.

Man, the '70s were a special time! Only then could something like this be made! It's totally stupid, pretty funny, bordering on sinister at times, and has lots of nudity and one seriously, ball-achingly sexy leading lady. I mean, no one really expects anything in terms of acting quality from a picture like this, do they? And there's no doubt that none of these performances are exactly award-worthy, but there are some memorable characters: Olaf being one, with his crooked grin, his wide buggy eyes and gruff Swedish accent, Lila being another, who sort of reminds me of Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan in Annie; she plasters herself with music hall Baby Jane make-up and gracelessly bellows old melodies in weird fruit hats and grass skirts. They are an entertaining duo, who should really have sought their own variety show on TV or something. Landlording really ain't their bag.